i haven't been on in a very long time. idk what's really been going on lately. i feel like i'm heading back into one of those spirals again. i've become super negative towards a lot of people. i keep blaming that on me getting older and figuring out who my 'true' friends are, but i don't think i'll ever really find them. i know no one will ever really be there for me all the time, because, honestly, i'm not always there for them. i wish i could just hide myself away until i can get back on my feet again. between being behind on my bills and just constantly having a negative flow of money, and being unable to just cope with the constant fights chris and i keep having, idk what to do anymore. part of me wants to truly become a hermit. i think i'd enjoy it. i'm tired of people and drama and just petty crap. i'm tired of compensating for people that i don't even like. i'm really becoming more and more tired of just being nice. i think i've lost sight of myself somewhere along the way too. i dont know what i want anymore. im someone who loves having a plan or at least an idea in my mind of what i want. and i don't. and that in some strange way, scares me. i wish i could just take a vacation. just maybe like 4 days, and just get away from everything. i need a fresh start. i need to pay off my debts and put money away for my apartment, which i already signed the lease for. im digging myself farther in this hole and its becoming impossible to get out. i feel upset about things constantly anymore. i love chris to death, but i hate the cigarettes and the drinking and the weed. the cigarettes started out as a casual thing that only happened when he drank. then it became more frequent. he's always telling me that he doesnt have an addictive personality, but that doesnt matter to me. hes different that he used to me and thats the part i hate the most. for as long as i can remember, he swore he'd never smoke because of the way his dad is, but apparently that went out the window. parts of me has rules. i promised myself i wouldn't date a smoker again, and that still holds true. i'm tired of all the empty promises too. promising 'this is my last cigarette', means just that. don't say that then the next day have one and negate it by saying, oh but i'm drinking, i always do when i drink. THAT DOESNT MAKE IT BETTER. i'm sorry. i guess i'm just more mature, but i'm thinking about my future. i'm not in the mood right now to just date. we've been together two years, and honestly, if he really doesnt think marriage is possible then idk what i'll do. i'm looking for someone i can spend the rest of my life with. i love chris with all my heart, and i really can see us being together forever, but right now, i just dont know.





later.